Recently I had a very interesting conversation with some young brothers I know, and the topic related to their views on marriage and relationships in general. As they described their various preferences and what they desired in a mate, somehow the subject turned to what they DIDN'T desire...which led to statements regarding their views on Black women.
“The Excuses”
Essentially, these young brothers think that, in comparison to White or Latina or Asian women, most Black women have worse attitudes, do more popping off at the mouth, show less desired affection and are more demanding of their mates. Because of these factors, they claimed, most of them would be agreeable to dating outside of their race.
However, this isn't a one-sided deal here. In speaking with many sisters, you hear similar types of criticism. These sisters believe that “there ain't no good Black men left” and that, essentially, most Black men are “full of it”.
Face it...like it or not, and unfairly levied or not, the reality is that there are A LOT of Black men who feel this type of way about Black women, and there are just as many Black women who feel this way about Black men. So what's going on? Why would so many brothers think that Black women all subscribe to a certain ideology? Have brothers and sisters alienated each other to the point of driving each other away?
Look, there’s a lot of friction between Black men and Black women in relationships, and the longer people lie to themselves and act like it's just “part of the game”, the further away we'll get from truly rectifying the issues causing the problems. In the meantime, and as a result, Black men and women are dating other races in droves
Now let me be clear....there is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY nothing wrong with interracial dating. Whether it's Blacks with Whites, Asians or Latinos, as long as you're happy, go for it. Skin color is irrelevant when you truly love someone.
However, this discussion isn't about whether it's right or wrong to date outside your race. Rather, the question revolves around the underlying reasons WHY so many brothers and sisters are seemingly shunning each other in favor of the comforts of others. Too many Black men and women are so busy pointing the fingers of blame at each other that they're failing to dig into and ultimately address the heart of the problems within their relationship. Because it's much easier to play the blame game and shirk personal responsibility than it is to be an adult and deal with differences maturely.
“The Stereotypes”
Back to my conversation with the young brothers....the prevailing sentiment amongst these dudes was that “it takes a very strong, patient, self-aware man to take up with a black woman.” Again, they cited what they considered to be “flaws” in the character of the “average Black woman” as the basis for their rationale.
To be clear, I'm not one to subscribe to blanket generalizations of people, especially about my sisters....and this particular sensibility tends to piss me off. Essentially, what these young men were suggesting with this ideology is that, as a Black man, you have to PUT UP with a Black woman. Rather, there is this notion that a Black man must ENDURE the love of a Black woman, instead of simply basking in it. I find that to be an extremely unfair assessment in that it relegates Black women to some stature that you wouldn't assign to OTHER women. Granted, there are certain aspects of such criticisms which ring true and can be applied to Black women. However, they could also be applied to many other races of women...not JUST Black women.
The ideology of the “mouthy, nagging Black woman as a turn-off” is blatantly unfair because those are character traits which are not exclusive to Black women. Such traits apply to ANY woman, regardless of her race/color. Specifically, such practices have nothing to do with a woman's color and everything to do with how THAT particular woman was brought up. A perfect example would be Kate Goesselin, of the TV show “Jon & Kate Plus 8” fame. Here you have a White woman, exhibiting extremely bossy and unnecessarily aggressive behavior towards her husband, while also demonstrating a propensity for demeaning and demasculinizing him.....the very same traits those young brothers were accusing Black women of embracing.
Conversely, Black women often cite the belief that “the reason why Black men choose not to deal with Black women is because they are too mentally and emotionally weak to do so”....basically relegating such Black men to the roles of underachievers afraid to “get with a real woman.” These women may also feel that there is a shortage of quality Black men. They opine that, with so many Black men falling by the wayside with drugs, gangs, prison and the like, sisters are being forced to take different routes with their romantic lives. Basically, they believe, they seek out other types of men out of a growing sense of necessity.
While that may hold true for some men, it certainly doesn't play out in every instance. I believe that many brothers likely DO shirk the culpability of their own shortcomings and instead “wimp out”, but again, such character traits aren't exclusive to color, they are based solely on how that person was raised. It is simply too easy to dismissively conclude that a certain aspect of either masculinity or femininity only applies to the men or women of ONE race/color....and then, that it somehow applies to ALL of them!
“That's My Momma!”
Some women think men want women like their mothers. You'll often hear them complain that “he expects me to act like his mother”, whether it's picking up after him or catering to his every whim. Again, this is not true for all men. For instance, men raised in strong patriarchal-headed households (or, households where they had a father/father figure) typically exhibit a greater sense of responsibility in relationships than men raised by their mothers or grandmothers by virtue of the values and ethics taught to them by that father figure. As a result, a large number of men don't want a woman ANYTHING LIKE their mommas, even if they hold their mommas in the highest regard.
“The Backlash”
A Latina friend of mine, who almost exclusively dates Black men, recently relayed to me her frustrations with the attitudes she encounters with some of the Black women with whom she has come in contact. She indicated that most Black women she encounters give her a hard time when they see her with a Black man, and that their attitudes – thick with petty jealousy or envy and contempt for her very being – make it difficult for her to feel for their plights in “losing” so many of their good men. Let's face it, it's tough to feel sorry for someone you find completely off-putting. If she dates a Black man, she says, Black women hate on her. If she dates a White guy, Black and Latino men have a problem with her, and often confront her and her date out in public.
This same backlash can be applied to Black men and Black women who date outside their race. Whether it's Black men confronting a sister for being with a non-Black man, or a group of sisters ganging up on a Black man and his non-White woman, it's clear that folks feel some type of way about “losing their kind” to those of other race.
Instead of wallowing in such drama associated with interracial romance, it's time for Black men and women to start taking responsibility for their OWN lives and preferences and stop worrying about what other people are doing, thinking or saying. Because worrying about the continuity of your race will never be as important as the continuity of your own FAMILY or well-being....
[TO BE CONTINUED]
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