"Who Wears The Pants?": Power Struggles Within Marriages & Relationships

There’s this sensibility amongst women that it is always possible to MOLD your man into what you want him to be….that every man with “potential” is capable of being “tamed”. One of the best analogies I’ve ever heard in this regard comes from a female TV character, who compared how to deal with men to the wine-making process:

“Men are like grapes. Our job is to STOMP on them….and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we’d like to have dinner with….”

– Maxine Shaw, attorney at law, from the hit FOX TV show “Living Single”

Again, the thinking goes that a man is SCULPTABLE; rather, that he’s some fine lump of clay at a woman’s disposal, destined to be shaped into “Mr. Right”.

False.

Look, love IS strong…but oftentimes it’s not strong enough to make someone go against who they TRULY are inside and radically change the essence of themselves solely because YOU asked them to make that change. Only God can truly change that which is within and DEFINES them….not some cutie in tight Capris.

“My Way Or The Highway”

As a result, what develops is this false sense of ability to change people to better suit YOUR tastes. This always leads to arguments because one of the partners involved isn’t understanding that you can’t WILL someone into being how YOU want them to be….that is, just because you WANT your partner to be/act a certain way doesn’t mean you can successfully FORCE them to be/act a certain way. The “Living Single” quote above is, in essence, a control issue. Maxine Shaw’s quote exemplifies the female ideology of dominating the man and curbing/taming his ego; an ideology that consistently leads to a power struggle in the marriage or relationship.

“The Struggle Continues…”

Marriage or relationship power struggles are usually very pronounced and manifest as one of two types:

1. The type where one partner insists on "running the show" (not coincidentally, this type of partner is also typically the one who’ll try to force the other partner into changing or adapting and submitting to THEIR will); and/or

2. The type where one person shuts the other partner out of his or her life.

To be clear, the issue of control is what drives the power struggle in a marriage or relationship. One partner will frequently assert what they think is “right” in the relationship, even if the other partner objects. For instance, some men believe that they must assert their "dominant authority" over their wife/girlfriend and their home. This sensibility is heavily fueled by the male ego. Quite simply, men with egos don’t like to be TOLD to do things, and don’t favor being forced into action just because a woman instructed them to do so. It will only make them rebel and lash out more, because they consider it an attack on their manhood.

“Bow Down….”

For women, the control issue is powered by the ideology of the "modern woman"; that is, one who is totally independent and her own woman, who may see little "use" for her husband's or partner’s authority. Most women want to FEEL in control; and, as most men have figured out, sometimes CONCEDING a sense of control is enough to appease their spouse or partner. I mean let’s face it…at certain times men HAVE to bow down because, otherwise, the resultant TURMOIL will make the entire situation much worse. As a man, oftentimes it’s far easier to simply “give in” and allow the woman to THINK she’s in control than it is to see the argument through to the end (because there IS no end and, therefore, there is no PEACE). Most of the time, a man just wants to avoid further conflict (e.g., stop the nagging), so he will agree with whatever his spouse or partner says. Truth be told, as a man, most of the time when you agree with your woman, that’s the end of it. A simple affirmation of her position is enough to appease her; sometimes, uttering something along the lines of “Yep”, or “Uh-huh”, or possibly “Baby you right, you right!” is enough to save him hours of headache.

It doesn’t mean he is weak or inferior to the woman….in SOME cases, a man shows his strength and wisdom by giving in during the heat of the moment in order to diffuse the situation and prevent it from further escalating. But PLEASE BELIEVE….there IS a line. A man wouldn’t TRULY be regarded as a man and acting within his capacity as “head of household” if he were purely a submissive pansy (and no matter what they say, NO WOMAN likes a weak man that she is able to easily manipulate. Have some balls, for crying out loud….). So in other words, a man – hell, any HUMAN BEING in that situation – can only take so much before they lash out at the control issue.

“Let’s Straighten It Out…”

So it seems like a delicate balance to strike….when has a wife/woman stepped over the line from being a deservingly demanding wife to being just a plain ol’ bossy bitch (though YOU’LL never call her a bossy bitch…unless, yunno, you LIKE sleeping in the car.) When has a husband/man crossed the boundary from patient but guiding mate to simply being a whipped wuss?

In order to resolve power struggles effectively, BOTH partners must be willing and motivated to resolve the core issues causing the conflict. In other words, learn how to SHARE the power within a marriage or relationship. Patience and compromise are the only ways to achieve that. Both partners must accept two key truths, namely (a) “it takes two to tango”, or rather, true commitment or marriage is a mutual affair and, as such, each partner's beliefs, needs, feelings, and input are equally essential; and (b) each partner “has a voice” and should always be regarded as an individual person who cannot be taken advantage of, silenced, or disregarded.

Only by honestly and earnestly adopting these practice tools in your marriage or relationship will you truly be able to move past the power struggle stage and towards more positive, harmonious paths…..but it ain’t gonna just magically “develop” outta nowhere. You’re going to have to work at it.

Is YOUR marriage or relationship worth that?