Rantings from the maddest brotha on the planetBy The Angry Blackman
I dunno about y'all, but I actually enjoy going to the supermarket. For me, it's always been a fairly pleasurable and relaxing experience (although I will say, don't ever go grocery shopping when you're hungry. You'll end up buying the gang of crap you had no intention of getting when you first walked in the place).
However, as with any enjoyable experience, there are always those who know how to screw things up and poop the party. Once again, it comes down to a lack of home training. There are certain common-sense etiquette practices that ALL folks should employ in any given instance, and those involving supermarket shopping are no exception:
● Parking Lot Wars. Yeah see, they invented those shopping cart return stalls for a REASON. Put your damn cart up, you moron. Nobody wants to back into one and scratch their paint or, worse yet, have to get out of their car in order to MOVE one because your dumbass left it sitting in the middle of the empty parking stall. And for crying out loud, if you see me with my blinker on, waiting for a parking stall that someone else is pulling out of, don't steal my parking spot, dude. Seriously. You know that's wrong...now, if I was to retaliate by repeatedly bashing your vehicle with a sledgehammer, then I'D be the one in the wrong, right? Yeah, so don't make me go there, champ....
● Don't be in the damn “10 Items Or Less” register aisle with more than 10 items. Look, ten bottles of Vitamin Water DO NOT count as ONE item, okay? Why do basic math skills seemingly fail the average store customer, especially when the store is packed and all the lines are long? Don't try to get over on MY time, buddy, get your ass to the back of the line in a REGULAR register aisle....
● “Lazy shopping”. Don't put stuff back in the wrong spot because you changed your mind and are simply too lazy to take it back to its section. Yeah, it annoys me to see a block of peas unthawing on top of the Oreos, sorry. I mean, how much effort does it take for you to waddle your fat ass back to the frozen veggies section for that?
● Too “touchy-feely”. Don't grope, finger, smell or otherwise overly inspect the food, then put it back on the shelf, especially produce. How utterly trifling. You ever known somebody to squeeze the tomatoes, or squeeze the loaf of bread, then put it back? What about those people who eat a few grapes outta the display case? Yes, we're talking to you....stop it already.
● “Checkout unreadiness. Look, don't get in the checkout line if you ain't 100% ready to check out, aiight? Make SURE you've got ere'thing already, don't make a whole line of frustrated folks wait because you had to go back at the last minute – or worse yet, sent one of your slow ass lil' kids – to go get another jug of milk....
● Aisle Traffic. Nothing I hate more than the jerkweeds who've got their cart stopped all in the middle of the damn aisle, blocking traffic...especially if they're nowhere near the damn cart. You're not the only one in the store, pal. That goes double for you idiots leisurely strolling through every aisle at a quarter mile per hour, like you're the only person in the damn store, and it goes TRIPLE for you retards riding those stupid motorized carts around the store all slow, like you're in a damn presidential motorcade or something....don't MAKE me violently ram you in protest....
● “Self-Checkout 101.” There's a time and a place for everything. THEREFORE, if you don't know how to work the self-checkout machine, then don't attempt to teach yourself at the precise time that there are SEVEN people behind you in the self-checkout line, capiche? Regardless, it shouldn't be that hard, ringing up that can of corn or looking up the produce code for that apple isn't exactly the equivalent of breaking the DaVinci code....
● Control your damn children. Arguably the G.O.A.T. supermarket gripe. Ain't nothing worse than a bunch of screaming, out-of-control little crumb snatchers running free and undisciplined around every aisle, destroying the ambiance of any store they're in. And who wouldn't love to confront that couple who's letting their infant child screech at the top of its lungs while they instead walk around, seemingly oblivious to it, debating whether to get Cheerios over Raisin Bran. You people are a disgrace to parenthood and need a foot shoved tightly up your collective asses. How about you CONTROL your damn kids in the store, eh? Wait, here's an even better idea: leave those snot-nosed brats at home next time.
Look, it's not that hard to act like you got some damn sense when you're out grocery shopping...so if that sounds like too difficult of a task to you, then mebbe you should get your online retailing on....
Trust me, we won't miss you back at the store.
(**DISCLAIMER: the views and opinions expressed herein by Angry Blackman are exclusively his own and do not represent the views of thenewblacklove.com or its members….even though, most of the time, this fool be on point with his…**)
However, as with any enjoyable experience, there are always those who know how to screw things up and poop the party. Once again, it comes down to a lack of home training. There are certain common-sense etiquette practices that ALL folks should employ in any given instance, and those involving supermarket shopping are no exception:
● Parking Lot Wars. Yeah see, they invented those shopping cart return stalls for a REASON. Put your damn cart up, you moron. Nobody wants to back into one and scratch their paint or, worse yet, have to get out of their car in order to MOVE one because your dumbass left it sitting in the middle of the empty parking stall. And for crying out loud, if you see me with my blinker on, waiting for a parking stall that someone else is pulling out of, don't steal my parking spot, dude. Seriously. You know that's wrong...now, if I was to retaliate by repeatedly bashing your vehicle with a sledgehammer, then I'D be the one in the wrong, right? Yeah, so don't make me go there, champ....
● Don't be in the damn “10 Items Or Less” register aisle with more than 10 items. Look, ten bottles of Vitamin Water DO NOT count as ONE item, okay? Why do basic math skills seemingly fail the average store customer, especially when the store is packed and all the lines are long? Don't try to get over on MY time, buddy, get your ass to the back of the line in a REGULAR register aisle....
● “Lazy shopping”. Don't put stuff back in the wrong spot because you changed your mind and are simply too lazy to take it back to its section. Yeah, it annoys me to see a block of peas unthawing on top of the Oreos, sorry. I mean, how much effort does it take for you to waddle your fat ass back to the frozen veggies section for that?
● Too “touchy-feely”. Don't grope, finger, smell or otherwise overly inspect the food, then put it back on the shelf, especially produce. How utterly trifling. You ever known somebody to squeeze the tomatoes, or squeeze the loaf of bread, then put it back? What about those people who eat a few grapes outta the display case? Yes, we're talking to you....stop it already.
● “Checkout unreadiness. Look, don't get in the checkout line if you ain't 100% ready to check out, aiight? Make SURE you've got ere'thing already, don't make a whole line of frustrated folks wait because you had to go back at the last minute – or worse yet, sent one of your slow ass lil' kids – to go get another jug of milk....
● Aisle Traffic. Nothing I hate more than the jerkweeds who've got their cart stopped all in the middle of the damn aisle, blocking traffic...especially if they're nowhere near the damn cart. You're not the only one in the store, pal. That goes double for you idiots leisurely strolling through every aisle at a quarter mile per hour, like you're the only person in the damn store, and it goes TRIPLE for you retards riding those stupid motorized carts around the store all slow, like you're in a damn presidential motorcade or something....don't MAKE me violently ram you in protest....
● “Self-Checkout 101.” There's a time and a place for everything. THEREFORE, if you don't know how to work the self-checkout machine, then don't attempt to teach yourself at the precise time that there are SEVEN people behind you in the self-checkout line, capiche? Regardless, it shouldn't be that hard, ringing up that can of corn or looking up the produce code for that apple isn't exactly the equivalent of breaking the DaVinci code....
● Control your damn children. Arguably the G.O.A.T. supermarket gripe. Ain't nothing worse than a bunch of screaming, out-of-control little crumb snatchers running free and undisciplined around every aisle, destroying the ambiance of any store they're in. And who wouldn't love to confront that couple who's letting their infant child screech at the top of its lungs while they instead walk around, seemingly oblivious to it, debating whether to get Cheerios over Raisin Bran. You people are a disgrace to parenthood and need a foot shoved tightly up your collective asses. How about you CONTROL your damn kids in the store, eh? Wait, here's an even better idea: leave those snot-nosed brats at home next time.
Look, it's not that hard to act like you got some damn sense when you're out grocery shopping...so if that sounds like too difficult of a task to you, then mebbe you should get your online retailing on....
Trust me, we won't miss you back at the store.
(**DISCLAIMER: the views and opinions expressed herein by Angry Blackman are exclusively his own and do not represent the views of thenewblacklove.com or its members….even though, most of the time, this fool be on point with his…**)
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