FEATURE: “Once A Cheater….Always A Cheater?”

“Fell in love with this fish who got caught in my mesh
But yo she burned my scene up like David Koresh
I guess a diamond ain't nothing but a rock with a name
I guess love ain't nothin’ but emotion and game…”

- Trugoy the Dove of De La Soul, from “Itzsoweezee”

It’s safe to assume that everyone either has been cheated on, or knows someone who has. The De La sentiments above only work to bolster the idea that some people will never have true and honorable intentions when they try to get with you. They just ain’t no good, and don’t know no better.

Cheating, or unfaithfulness in a committed relationship, is an unmitigated sin, a violation that can most times be unforgivable. People who cheat do so for a wide variety of reasons. Whether they are unsympathetic, narcissistic, just selfish by nature or are simply drama seekers, all cheaters are motivated by the same common desire of self-gratification above all else. In this respect, the cheater will always blame everyone and everything else BUT themselves. Ask them why they cheated and they will most likely try to blame their infidelity on the relationship itself (“he/she was too bossy/controlling/was never there for me”), or possibly even the circumstances surrounding why they cheated (“I was drunk/it was just a fling”). They make excuses instead of taking personal culpability for making the mistake.

I love the show “Cheaters” (even though I can’t stand Joey Greco) because it not only showcases the sheer selfishness of the cheater, but also it exposes the inferior sensibility of the careless cheater. People who cheat are usually sloppy about it and, in that respect, do some pretty stupid things that lead to them getting busted. Once the private investigator exposes them, it becomes clear that they pretty much didn’t think their underhandedness through well or clearly enough. They’re so blinded by their own sojourn for self-satisfaction that they forget to cover up their footprints on the trail of deception. Oftentimes, cheaters will sabotage the fling themselves because they want to get caught.

"Second-Time Around"

Okay, so…what about the love life of a POST-cheater? That is, if someone cheats on their mate once, are they no good forever after that? Does the ideology of “once a cheater, always a cheater” apply universally?

When it comes to someone trying to establish (or reestablish) a relationship with a cheater, there are two sensibilities which are most prevalent:

• “They did it before, they’ll do it again.” We’ve already discussed how cheaters rarely blame themselves for the cheating because of their selfishness and propensity to put themselves first. Well, if a cheater refuses to change that aspect of themselves, then likely, yes, “once a cheater always a cheater” will always apply. Why? Because a person who always puts themselves before their mate will never find satisfaction in ANY relationship. So if your mate thinks that way, the truth is that that’s not even an ideology you can compete with. A person like that is better off being single until they grow out of that sensibility. Even if a cheater genuinely loves the person they cheat on, they will always put their own needs and desires ahead of those of their partner due to their “me first” line of thinking. This also explains why cheaters won’t end one relationship in order to pursue another. Rather, they’ll often deceive two people in order to get what they want. A cheater wants to have their cake and eat it too, and usually doesn’t give a damn about the repercussions or who gets hurt in the process.

• “If they cheated WITH you, they’ll cheat ON you”. This is perhaps the most puzzling aspect of beginning a relationship with someone you KNOW has a history of cheating. See logic dictates that, if this person cheated with you on ANOTHER person - lying to and probably hurting that other person in the process – it’s safe to assume that, at some point, they would treat you the same way. What makes you so special that YOUR love exclusively will change their selfish ways? Nah, too many people let their EGOS get in the way of common sense, convincing themselves that “oh, but I’m different than all the others”, or even “he/she KNOW better than to do that to ME!” I’m not saying it’s impossible to find lifelong happiness with someone who cheated on someone else to be with you...but the odds of such a union going the distance are virtually slim and none. Quite simply, you can’t build a solid foundation on a rocky slope; rather, you can’t hope to establish something meaningful and true with someone when your entire relationship with that person was BORNE out of deception.

Trying to gauge whether a cheater deserves a second chance also depends greatly on the circumstances under which that person cheated in the first place. Was it maliciously done, or was it an aberration? Only you will know whether or not someone seems genuine and sincere enough to warrant giving the benefit of the doubt. In such instances it is paramount that you use your best judgment, making sure your best judgment is steeped in common sense.

“A Change Gon’ Come…”

Can a leopard change its stripes? That is, can a person who cheated in the past truly be expected to change for the better?

Change in a person is always possible, but can be very difficult. It involves that person experiencing significant self-reflection and personal insight, as well as requiring them to work hard and put forth the effort and commitment necessary to reflect true change. Sometimes this may require counseling, particularly if the cheater’s shortcomings stem from some deep-seeded mental issues, such as experiences from their childhood or with their parents.

In a perfect world, someone unhappy in a relationship would just LEAVE their mate instead of sneaking around behind their mate’s back. But the world ain’t perfect. The good news is, people CAN change old destructive habits, and cheaters are no different. Whether or not a cheater can change is completely up to the individual. A cheater accepting responsibility for their past infidelity can help determine if that person truly wants to change…or if they’re apt to do it again. As such, someone entertaining thoughts of gettin’ with (or getting BACK with) a former cheater needs to pose the following questions to both themselves AND their partner:

• Have they acknowledged that they’ve cheated before?
• Do they show remorse for their past cheating?
• Have they made amends for their cheating?
• Has there been closure with the person cheated on?
• How much can you trust them?

That last one is imperative. You have to be able to gauge the trust level in this person. Was their crime heinous enough that, if it had happened to you, it would be impossible for you to forgive them? What constitutes an “unforgivable” cheating scenario to you? These are all hard questions that must be asked in such a situation.

Look, if somebody cheats on one partner it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will cheat on the next partner. However, unless they adequately address the root causes of their past cheating there is a good chance they will do it again in a new relationship. A cheater who wants to change must submit themselves to true soul searching and take responsibility for the harm they have done to another. They must stop trying to rationalize their behavior and instead accept blame for their shortcomings.

In all instances, using your best judgment based on the facts and circumstances involved will serve you the greatest. In other words, trust your gut. And most importantly, don’t make excuses for that person simply because “you love them”….that’s simply not enough….

…and lovin’ someone ain’t got nothin’ to do with being SMART enough to prevent them from taking advantage of you.