Movie Review: “The Final Destination 3D”

By The Scribe
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TNBL RATING SYSTEM:
$$$$$ - Worth every penny!
$$$$ - Good show, I ain’t mad at it…
$$$ - Ehhh…mebbe I’ll catch it on cable
$$ - Booty! Not even on bootleg!
$ - MAN HELL NAW! Gimme my damn money back!
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The movie's tagline claims “Death Saved The Best For Last”. HARDLY. More like “death had warmed-up leftovers that had been in the fridge for two weeks and tried to repackage it to YOU as a freshly-prepared Sunday meal, KNOWIN you already knew they made that crap last Tuesday….”

New Line Cinema is back for the third go-round with its “slasher flick with a twist” take on horror films [$$ outta $$$$$]. This time, the hapless Nick (Bobby Campo) gets that old familiar feelin’ that death is imminent for himself and everyone else at the NASCAR-like racing event he’s attending with his girlfriend and friends (all of whom are so utterly forgettable in their performances that their names don’t even warrant mention here). And as with the previous films, those who are able to cheat death at the racing event – thanks in big part to Nick’s visions and frantic insistence – each, one by one, succumb to the inevitability of their own demises under the Grim Reaper’s twisted design…

I won’t say the movie is BAD, but…okay, I will say that. But then again, you already KNOW what you’re getting when you fall up in the theater to see a movie in this franchise: scene after scene of mayhem, dismemberments, decapitations and impalements, accompanied by laughable plots, tired dialogue and less than credible acting. In that respect, the movie most definitely delivers. As with the previous movies in the franchise, each death is more creative (and more impossibly improbable….I love how wires magically “travel” by themselves) and gets its desired effect…I heard plenty of “OOOHS!” and “DAAAAAAAAYUUUUUMS!” in the theater (mostly from this guy in front of me who stuck his gum behind his ear while eating his popcorn, then stuck it back in his mouth after his tub was empty….so what, now you just gon’ be loud AND nasty?).

The movie’s opening sequence, during the credits, is particularly ill (as in, “very good”, for the slanguage-challenged): edited reenactments of deaths from the earlier movies (including the Flight 180 plane crash from the first movie) violently executed in an exoskeletal fashion (think CSI). Great visuals, literally “eye-popping”. The gore and body count in this one is even more enjoyable – as morbid as that sounds - due to the surprisingly effective 3-D effects in the movie Bones flying at you, blood spurting on you, fire shooting towards you…aside from the deaths, it was the best thing about the whole experience. In fact, they were the best 3D effects I’ve seen in a movie – IN a theater - in ages.

This movie is what it is, and you’re gonna either take it for what it’s worth or leave it alone. I still wouldn’t rent this jawn personally, and would probably turn from it if I caught it on cable late one night. But that’s just me.

Ultimately, if you’re lookin’ for cinematic brilliance, then don’t bother with this one. But if you’re in it for the bedlam and bloodshed, you’ll likely be entertained for a few strong minutes…..

(And don’t let them tell you to put those 3D glasses in that recycle bin, take those suckers home with you….hell, you PAID for ‘em….)