FEATURE: “Once A Cheater….Always A Cheater?”

“Fell in love with this fish who got caught in my mesh
But yo she burned my scene up like David Koresh
I guess a diamond ain't nothing but a rock with a name
I guess love ain't nothin’ but emotion and game…”

- Trugoy the Dove of De La Soul, from “Itzsoweezee”

It’s safe to assume that everyone either has been cheated on, or knows someone who has. The De La sentiments above only work to bolster the idea that some people will never have true and honorable intentions when they try to get with you. They just ain’t no good, and don’t know no better.

Cheating, or unfaithfulness in a committed relationship, is an unmitigated sin, a violation that can most times be unforgivable. People who cheat do so for a wide variety of reasons. Whether they are unsympathetic, narcissistic, just selfish by nature or are simply drama seekers, all cheaters are motivated by the same common desire of self-gratification above all else. In this respect, the cheater will always blame everyone and everything else BUT themselves. Ask them why they cheated and they will most likely try to blame their infidelity on the relationship itself (“he/she was too bossy/controlling/was never there for me”), or possibly even the circumstances surrounding why they cheated (“I was drunk/it was just a fling”). They make excuses instead of taking personal culpability for making the mistake.

I love the show “Cheaters” (even though I can’t stand Joey Greco) because it not only showcases the sheer selfishness of the cheater, but also it exposes the inferior sensibility of the careless cheater. People who cheat are usually sloppy about it and, in that respect, do some pretty stupid things that lead to them getting busted. Once the private investigator exposes them, it becomes clear that they pretty much didn’t think their underhandedness through well or clearly enough. They’re so blinded by their own sojourn for self-satisfaction that they forget to cover up their footprints on the trail of deception. Oftentimes, cheaters will sabotage the fling themselves because they want to get caught.

"Second-Time Around"

Okay, so…what about the love life of a POST-cheater? That is, if someone cheats on their mate once, are they no good forever after that? Does the ideology of “once a cheater, always a cheater” apply universally?

When it comes to someone trying to establish (or reestablish) a relationship with a cheater, there are two sensibilities which are most prevalent:

• “They did it before, they’ll do it again.” We’ve already discussed how cheaters rarely blame themselves for the cheating because of their selfishness and propensity to put themselves first. Well, if a cheater refuses to change that aspect of themselves, then likely, yes, “once a cheater always a cheater” will always apply. Why? Because a person who always puts themselves before their mate will never find satisfaction in ANY relationship. So if your mate thinks that way, the truth is that that’s not even an ideology you can compete with. A person like that is better off being single until they grow out of that sensibility. Even if a cheater genuinely loves the person they cheat on, they will always put their own needs and desires ahead of those of their partner due to their “me first” line of thinking. This also explains why cheaters won’t end one relationship in order to pursue another. Rather, they’ll often deceive two people in order to get what they want. A cheater wants to have their cake and eat it too, and usually doesn’t give a damn about the repercussions or who gets hurt in the process.

• “If they cheated WITH you, they’ll cheat ON you”. This is perhaps the most puzzling aspect of beginning a relationship with someone you KNOW has a history of cheating. See logic dictates that, if this person cheated with you on ANOTHER person - lying to and probably hurting that other person in the process – it’s safe to assume that, at some point, they would treat you the same way. What makes you so special that YOUR love exclusively will change their selfish ways? Nah, too many people let their EGOS get in the way of common sense, convincing themselves that “oh, but I’m different than all the others”, or even “he/she KNOW better than to do that to ME!” I’m not saying it’s impossible to find lifelong happiness with someone who cheated on someone else to be with you...but the odds of such a union going the distance are virtually slim and none. Quite simply, you can’t build a solid foundation on a rocky slope; rather, you can’t hope to establish something meaningful and true with someone when your entire relationship with that person was BORNE out of deception.

Trying to gauge whether a cheater deserves a second chance also depends greatly on the circumstances under which that person cheated in the first place. Was it maliciously done, or was it an aberration? Only you will know whether or not someone seems genuine and sincere enough to warrant giving the benefit of the doubt. In such instances it is paramount that you use your best judgment, making sure your best judgment is steeped in common sense.

“A Change Gon’ Come…”

Can a leopard change its stripes? That is, can a person who cheated in the past truly be expected to change for the better?

Change in a person is always possible, but can be very difficult. It involves that person experiencing significant self-reflection and personal insight, as well as requiring them to work hard and put forth the effort and commitment necessary to reflect true change. Sometimes this may require counseling, particularly if the cheater’s shortcomings stem from some deep-seeded mental issues, such as experiences from their childhood or with their parents.

In a perfect world, someone unhappy in a relationship would just LEAVE their mate instead of sneaking around behind their mate’s back. But the world ain’t perfect. The good news is, people CAN change old destructive habits, and cheaters are no different. Whether or not a cheater can change is completely up to the individual. A cheater accepting responsibility for their past infidelity can help determine if that person truly wants to change…or if they’re apt to do it again. As such, someone entertaining thoughts of gettin’ with (or getting BACK with) a former cheater needs to pose the following questions to both themselves AND their partner:

• Have they acknowledged that they’ve cheated before?
• Do they show remorse for their past cheating?
• Have they made amends for their cheating?
• Has there been closure with the person cheated on?
• How much can you trust them?

That last one is imperative. You have to be able to gauge the trust level in this person. Was their crime heinous enough that, if it had happened to you, it would be impossible for you to forgive them? What constitutes an “unforgivable” cheating scenario to you? These are all hard questions that must be asked in such a situation.

Look, if somebody cheats on one partner it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will cheat on the next partner. However, unless they adequately address the root causes of their past cheating there is a good chance they will do it again in a new relationship. A cheater who wants to change must submit themselves to true soul searching and take responsibility for the harm they have done to another. They must stop trying to rationalize their behavior and instead accept blame for their shortcomings.

In all instances, using your best judgment based on the facts and circumstances involved will serve you the greatest. In other words, trust your gut. And most importantly, don’t make excuses for that person simply because “you love them”….that’s simply not enough….

…and lovin’ someone ain’t got nothin’ to do with being SMART enough to prevent them from taking advantage of you.

SIDEBAR: “Heard It All Before”: The Top Ten Excuses For Cheating

Cheaters never win, and they also never change the lame excuses they use to explain away their actions. Rarely will they ever place the blame on themselves…it’s always someone else’s fault that they, the cheater, strayed from fidelity.

Here are the top ten excuses cheaters give for doing someone dirty:

1. “I don't love you/am not in love with you anymore.” Loss of affection remains at the top of the list. The cheater is quick to give up on someone in whom they’ve “lost interest”.

2. “It's not you, it's me.” This is an age-old ploy on the part of the cheater. By trying to attribute their infidelity to some inexplicable “personal issue”, cheaters conveniently absolve themselves from causing hurt feelings in their partner.

3. “I need some space.” This excuse is most prominently used by those cheaters who don’t necessarily want to give up on their partner ENTIRELY, but rather, who would rather create an environment where they are less likely to be CAUGHT.

4. “You deserve better.” Aaaah, good ol’ self-depreciation. Nothing throws the blame off of a cheater faster than saying that they (the cheater) are unworthy of their partner’s affections. Such reverse psychology often proves pretty successful, too…it’s the perfect sucker punch.

5. “We were just friends.” HA! As if this excuse will make the cheating seem not as bad! In many instances, the “cheating with friends” scenario is even more painful given that said friend might have even been YOUR friend, or a friend to you both, and was frequently all up in your face with false kindness…all while they were secretly doin’ your Boo behind your back.

6. “You don't listen to me.” Oh yeah, THIS is brilliant. So instead of confronting the communication lapse head-on, a partner instead goes out and has a fling with someone else? Too easy.

7. “You don't need me.” See #4. This excuse is like a sleight of hand, it’s the “card trick” of relationships.

8. “I'm having a mid-life crisis.” Only works if you’re, yunno, ACTUALLY mid-life. Not very effective or believable when you’re in your early 20s.

9. “I can't help myself.” Perhaps the WORST excuse of all. It essentially relegates the cheater to the role of helpless victim of their own psyche.

10. “It doesn't mean anything.” The cheater will trivialize the reason why they strayed as being “not important” such that it shouldn’t be an issue. This is the epitome of selfishness because it is so dismissive in nature…almost like the cheater is suggesting “Aaaah, don’t worry about it, it’s not that big of a deal…”

"The Peeves"

Rantings from the maddest brotha on the planet

By The Angry Blackman

In this age of the H1N1 virus and other flu-related maladies, it’s more important than ever that people step their game up when it comes to their hygiene habits. Particularly now that we’re approaching the winter months, when cold and sickness is almost unavoidable for most of us. From our co-workers to our family members, everyone should be more mindful of the welfare of others and curtail their disgusting practices.

Let’s face it…some people are just flat-out NASTY. I’m talkin’ about that no home training, “if your momma saw you doing that she’d slap your face” kind of nasty. Truly, their hygienic habits leave much to be desired. These are the type of people who frequently commit one of the following “cardinal sins of hygiene”:

• Using public restrooms and leaving without washing their hands. This really kills me. How you gon’ walk your triflin’ ass from the urinal or stall, and go STRAIGHT out the door? So I’m supposed to grab the door handle AFTER you? I mean damn, is it too much to ask that you at least pull out some hand sanitizer? People who do this at restaurants are the worst, how can you possibly use a PUBLIC facility and then go back and touch your FOOD? It’s like they have absolutely no concept of what a damn germ is….

• Sneezing or coughing without covering their nose/mouth. How irritating is this, eh? I mean dude, are you TRYING to get everyone else sick? This is a common sense courtesy that even a trained monkey would recognize. Seriously, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that NOBODY wants an extra serving of snot on their slacks just because you’re an inconsiderate bastard. And….you know how you expel a small bit of spittle into the air when you cough without covering your mouth? Yeah, so do we. So knock it off….

• Scratching self/picking nose/digging in butt in public. Oh yeah, now THIS is attractive. Oooh, nothing turns a guy on more than watching some woman standing on the train platform, digging her drawers outta her ass, right? And it’s always appealing to see a fast food worker with a finger up their nose as they reach for your large fries, isn’t it? And certainly, NOBODY wants to see that guy who scratches his crotch in a crowded supermarket, and then smells his fingers…ugh…..these are the type of things you do in the privacy of your own HOME, not on the Jumbo-Tron at the Phillies game….

• Not wearing deodorant, or otherwise smelling like they don’t bathe/shower. Look, this isn’t France. In America we ENCOURAGE washing your ass, and doing so frequently. And don’t try spraying a whole bottle of cologne on top of your clothes, either, like it’s going to cover up that 3-day old funk. Nobody wants to stand in an elevator next to a guy who smells like a musty Avon rep. I mean, what grown ass man/woman doesn’t shower daily? Worse yet, how do you NOT know that you smell like a spokesperson for skunks nationwide? Hey, here’s a tip: if your pits enter the room before YOU do, you MIGHT wanna get down with the Speed Stick, okay?

• Spitting/hocking up loogies. Just inappropriate on so many levels. For one, most people don’t have any “projection control”…..meaning, they spit a loogie not really knowing WHERE it’s going to land, leaving anybody within their immediate circumference in jeopardy of catchin’ a bad one. Then, there’s NEVER an appropriate way to make that disgusting hocking noise….like, it’s virtually impossible to sound “sexy” when you’re bringing phlem from the back of your throat up to the surface. And have you ever seen a WOMAN do this? You think to yourself, “Damn honey, why not just scratch your BALLS while you’re at it, eh?”

Look, people….public health is everyone’s responsibility. So next time you see that guy in IHOP trying to walk straight outta the restroom after taking a dump, do your civic duty…stick a foot up his nasty punk ass while reminding him that “Dial” isn’t just that knob on the radio…

It’s for the greater good….

(**DISCLAIMER: the views and opinions expressed herein by Angry Blackman are exclusively his own and do not represent the views of thenewblacklove.com or its members….even though, most of the time, this fool be on point with his…**)

From The “World’s Biggest Idiots” File…Cop Steals Marijuana From Evidence, Makes 911 Call…

Hilarious! A police officer steals some marijuana from his precinct’s evidence locker and takes it home, where he and his wife proceed to make brownies out of it. They end up getting so blazed that they think they’re DYING, so they call 911 for an ambulance! The reporter laughing off camera can barely contain herself...

...you can’t MAKE this stuff up, people!

Exclusive Clip Of Michael Jackson From “This Is It” Movie

Peep this exclusive, behind-the-scenes footage of Michael Jackson rehearsing “Human Nature” for his “This Is It” tour, taken from the movie of the same name.

Now mebbe it’s just ME, but this damn sure doesn’t look like a man who was supposedly "sickly", or even remotely close to being on his death bed. He sounds as crisp as ever. Also, note how each movement is choreographed with precision to the timing of the music. Just goes to demonstrate the perfectionist nature of the Greatest Entertainer of All Time. R.I.P., Mike…we’ll always remember you!

"Who Wears The Pants?": Power Struggles Within Marriages & Relationships

There’s this sensibility amongst women that it is always possible to MOLD your man into what you want him to be….that every man with “potential” is capable of being “tamed”. One of the best analogies I’ve ever heard in this regard comes from a female TV character, who compared how to deal with men to the wine-making process:

“Men are like grapes. Our job is to STOMP on them….and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we’d like to have dinner with….”

– Maxine Shaw, attorney at law, from the hit FOX TV show “Living Single”

Again, the thinking goes that a man is SCULPTABLE; rather, that he’s some fine lump of clay at a woman’s disposal, destined to be shaped into “Mr. Right”.

False.

Look, love IS strong…but oftentimes it’s not strong enough to make someone go against who they TRULY are inside and radically change the essence of themselves solely because YOU asked them to make that change. Only God can truly change that which is within and DEFINES them….not some cutie in tight Capris.

“My Way Or The Highway”

As a result, what develops is this false sense of ability to change people to better suit YOUR tastes. This always leads to arguments because one of the partners involved isn’t understanding that you can’t WILL someone into being how YOU want them to be….that is, just because you WANT your partner to be/act a certain way doesn’t mean you can successfully FORCE them to be/act a certain way. The “Living Single” quote above is, in essence, a control issue. Maxine Shaw’s quote exemplifies the female ideology of dominating the man and curbing/taming his ego; an ideology that consistently leads to a power struggle in the marriage or relationship.

“The Struggle Continues…”

Marriage or relationship power struggles are usually very pronounced and manifest as one of two types:

1. The type where one partner insists on "running the show" (not coincidentally, this type of partner is also typically the one who’ll try to force the other partner into changing or adapting and submitting to THEIR will); and/or

2. The type where one person shuts the other partner out of his or her life.

To be clear, the issue of control is what drives the power struggle in a marriage or relationship. One partner will frequently assert what they think is “right” in the relationship, even if the other partner objects. For instance, some men believe that they must assert their "dominant authority" over their wife/girlfriend and their home. This sensibility is heavily fueled by the male ego. Quite simply, men with egos don’t like to be TOLD to do things, and don’t favor being forced into action just because a woman instructed them to do so. It will only make them rebel and lash out more, because they consider it an attack on their manhood.

“Bow Down….”

For women, the control issue is powered by the ideology of the "modern woman"; that is, one who is totally independent and her own woman, who may see little "use" for her husband's or partner’s authority. Most women want to FEEL in control; and, as most men have figured out, sometimes CONCEDING a sense of control is enough to appease their spouse or partner. I mean let’s face it…at certain times men HAVE to bow down because, otherwise, the resultant TURMOIL will make the entire situation much worse. As a man, oftentimes it’s far easier to simply “give in” and allow the woman to THINK she’s in control than it is to see the argument through to the end (because there IS no end and, therefore, there is no PEACE). Most of the time, a man just wants to avoid further conflict (e.g., stop the nagging), so he will agree with whatever his spouse or partner says. Truth be told, as a man, most of the time when you agree with your woman, that’s the end of it. A simple affirmation of her position is enough to appease her; sometimes, uttering something along the lines of “Yep”, or “Uh-huh”, or possibly “Baby you right, you right!” is enough to save him hours of headache.

It doesn’t mean he is weak or inferior to the woman….in SOME cases, a man shows his strength and wisdom by giving in during the heat of the moment in order to diffuse the situation and prevent it from further escalating. But PLEASE BELIEVE….there IS a line. A man wouldn’t TRULY be regarded as a man and acting within his capacity as “head of household” if he were purely a submissive pansy (and no matter what they say, NO WOMAN likes a weak man that she is able to easily manipulate. Have some balls, for crying out loud….). So in other words, a man – hell, any HUMAN BEING in that situation – can only take so much before they lash out at the control issue.

“Let’s Straighten It Out…”

So it seems like a delicate balance to strike….when has a wife/woman stepped over the line from being a deservingly demanding wife to being just a plain ol’ bossy bitch (though YOU’LL never call her a bossy bitch…unless, yunno, you LIKE sleeping in the car.) When has a husband/man crossed the boundary from patient but guiding mate to simply being a whipped wuss?

In order to resolve power struggles effectively, BOTH partners must be willing and motivated to resolve the core issues causing the conflict. In other words, learn how to SHARE the power within a marriage or relationship. Patience and compromise are the only ways to achieve that. Both partners must accept two key truths, namely (a) “it takes two to tango”, or rather, true commitment or marriage is a mutual affair and, as such, each partner's beliefs, needs, feelings, and input are equally essential; and (b) each partner “has a voice” and should always be regarded as an individual person who cannot be taken advantage of, silenced, or disregarded.

Only by honestly and earnestly adopting these practice tools in your marriage or relationship will you truly be able to move past the power struggle stage and towards more positive, harmonious paths…..but it ain’t gonna just magically “develop” outta nowhere. You’re going to have to work at it.

Is YOUR marriage or relationship worth that?

"The Peeves"

Rantings from the maddest brotha on the planet

By The Angry Blackman

When you consider all the things throughout your day that stress you most consistently, driving has to be near the top of the list. It’s especially true if you commute daily, like me, crossing major thoroughfares on a routine basis (and don’t get me started on bridge tolls, that’s a whole ‘nother Peeve rant entirely).

Driving presents the constant challenge of unraveling one of life’s greatest enigmas, which is:

If everyone is required to take written and driving tests in order to obtain their licenses, thereby having to PROVE their “fitness” to operate a motor vehicle on public roads and highways, then WHY ARE THERE SO MANY &^%$#@ IDIOTS ON THE DAMN ROAD?!?

Blame your local DMV for the overabundance of morons on today’s highways and byways. TRULY, in this day and age, ANY idiot can get a driver’s license…and judging by the antics of some of the people you see on the roads daily, a lot of idiots DO get licenses. Nothing pisses me off more than the following, the five most ridiculously stupid types of behavior you’ll ever see executed behind a steering wheel:

― People Using Cell Phones/PDAs While Driving. In certain States, it’s illegal to talk on the phone while you’re driving. You can get pulled over for it. Honestly, it’s just not very smart because it detracts from your concentration level behind the wheel. As a responsible driver, you have no place having a heated argument with your Boo while switchin’ lanes during a traffic jam, and you have ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS whatsoever trying to send text messages while you’re driving. Cruising down the turnpike doing 70 MPH is NOT exactly the most ideal time to text your cousin about that “honey you met at the club last night…”

― People Grooming Themselves While Driving. This is just unacceptable on so many levels. So you’re gonna WAIT until you’re in your CAR to put on lipstick and apply eye shadow? You REALLY think it’s cool to shave your beard in the rear view mirror while a freakin’ semi-truck is doing a strong 75 MPH to your immediate left? I mean, NEVERMIND that you just left your house where you could have instead used, oh I dunno, YOUR BATHROOM for something like that, right?

― People With An Overall Lack Of “Driving Etiquette 101”. Some people just don’t KNOW how to properly conduct and comport themselves when they are out on the road, in the midst of traffic. In other words, they ain’t got no damn home training. There are certain COMMON SENSE courtesies you always extend when you’re driving:

• Don’t tailgate me closely. Dude, why the hell are you all up in my TRUNK? This is not Talladega, don’t be bump-drafting me down I-95. Get your Grace-Jones-“Pull-Up-To-My-Bumper-Baby”-lookin’ ass AT LEAST a car’s length away from my vehicle…

• Don’t change lanes without signaling. During the 20th Century, a REMARKABLE thing happened…cars became equipped with a UNIQUE mechanism known as a TURN SIGNAL…USE IT. Don’t come outta nowhere from my blind side and cut me off, trying to cut across four lanes of traffic to get to an exit your dumb ass should have KNOWN was coming up half a mile ago.

• Don’t sit in a traffic jam and honk your horn. Listen, no matter HOW many times you do it, it’s NOT going to make traffic move any faster. The lanes are NOT going to magically part solely for your pleasure, like some highway version of The Red Sea. Knock it off. THIS MEANS YOU, NEW YORK CITY CAB DRIVERS…

― People Who Smoke With Kids In The Car. What on God’s green would possess someone to emit toxic fumes in the direct presence of their own (or another’s) children? We’re talkin’ about (supposed) GROWN adult people here, who apparently experience nic (nicotine) fits so strong that waiting to get out of the car first is unrealistic to them, like that’s too long to wait….never mind that there are three toddlers in the backseat (and don’t eeeeven get me started on people who don’t make little kids put on their seat belts…)…so now everyone in the damn car is forced to walk into church smellin’ like Flavor Country. Seriously, anyone like this is absolutely the worst type of person and I hope they all come down with Marburg Hemorrhagic Fever.

― Old People Driving. THE GRANDADDY OF THEM ALL! Hands down the most reprehensible, most obnoxious peeve in all of driving-dom. Simply put, old people have no business operating motor vehicles on public roadways. Period. Their nonsensical road violations are endless. Like, old people should NEVER try to cut another driver off. They don’t possess the proper motor skills (no pun intended) nor range of motion to execute it effectively….so they end up cutting you off AND making you slam on the brakes because they’re only doing 20 MPH WHILE they’re cutting you off. Since their rate of speed doesn’t ever increase - it’s like they get to 20 MPH and feel the wind in their hair, so the dementia tricks them into thinking they’re going faster than they really are – they end up snarling traffic, while being COMPLETELY oblivious to it all. So now I’m late for work because an entire highway lane, seven cars deep, is backed up due to someone Driving Miss Daisy. It's a FACT that old people should have to re-qualify their fitness for driving once they reach a certain age. You’ve seen it countless times, videos of elderly drivers crashing into crowds of people because the car was in reverse by accident, or they hit the gas when they should have hit the brake…I say we get these dangerous geezers off the streets as quickly as possible.

It’s all enough to make you just wanna catch the damn bus…..

(**DISCLAIMER: the views and opinions expressed herein by Angry Blackman are exclusively his own and do not represent the views of thenewblacklove.com or its members….even though, most of the time, this fool be on point with his…**)